record broken!

:D hahaha it's so nice seeing how this three boys (okay samuel isn't in this picture) have grown all these years(: they can never stop making me so happy and love seeing them(: hahaha!

i'm so tired. it's really frustrating how you never seem to get the help and support you really need and want from those who can. because they simply don't want to. all i get is harsh comments about how i'm going to fail before i even start, how my partner will drag me down. i really need some help and i don't get any. everyone's busy making sure they succeed and no one really has the time to pull me along. sometimes it's just so confusing. and it's so real that those around you aren't really who they are. it's really hard to understand people and know who they really are on the insides and what kind a role they play in your lives. i took 2 whole years of working together with kaibin to know that his role is a brother like figure in my life. even now, i still feel that i hardly know or understand him at all. it took me 6 years of knowing and working with o wen to know that he's really someone i look to as a brother, as a good friend, as a really really good brother. sometimes he's just hurts me so much unknowingly but i know i cannot lose such a friend. it took me 9 whole years of long friendship and difficulties to know that abby was someone who would stick by me no matter who i am, no matter how i seem to disappoint her, no matter how she irritates me or frustrates me, we will stick together because we just cannot be seperated. sometimes what you think of people are just the surface. and it is only when you stop and think deeply, you will find those who have really came so far with you.

it's really not easy to handle things as it is now. i am a person of direct words. i think that i can solve issues and know people and dig deep into their hearts with words. deep, emotional, true words from my heart. some are easy to break, some just have such a strong wall around them that i may never be able to penetrate through. sometimes i really regret not starting earlier. i wish i never took the route of withdrawing myself and thinking that as long as i kept silent, everything will be fine and that we will all succeed. suddenly it seems like i have to go back to my domineering, decisive, and harshly speaking, fierce mode. or we will not survive.

all i know is that now, i have to rely on God, rely on those who are a real family. even my own sister cannot help me sometimes. but i know that God will not let me down. i will pick up my sword, put on my armour and fight this battle. it will not be easy, but prayer works wonders. sometimes i feel so ashamed of myself that i do not dare to mention how wonderful my God is to others. i cannot believe it. but now, today is a new beginning. i don't rely on anyone else but God. i will not care if my friends condemn me or mock me because of who i trust in because if they do, they're not my true friends. today is a new day, and i will keep on praying for the next forty days until i see a revival in my life and in those around me.

thank you lord.